I'm terrified that one day he's going to realize he's sick of me, or that I'll lose control of my emotions and wreck everything.

Because the months that we weren't speaking after he moved were the loneliest days of my life, and the only times I don't feel lonely is when I'm with him, or I know he's around and I can see him at any time.

Is that pathetic? How can I still feel this way after everything... past experiences, and especially now that I hardly see him, a couple times every couple of months if I'm lucky. But the truth is... I think about him every single day. Every single day, whether I talk to him or not... it's not even anything I can help. Impossible to forget. They say that these things fade over time but I guess half a year isn't enough.

And! It's only been half a year! It feels like so much longer since we were sitting on my kitchen floor eating Fruit Loops. (I can't spell it froot... it bothers me too much). But I guess I can't complain too much... if anything, the distance has made us closer. Something did anyway because at some point he became my best friend, someone who will text me at 10pm asking if I want to go buy corn chips. Then does. Someone whose mere presence drains all the grey from my system. Someone who actually gets all of my jokes, and vice versa, and understands things almost immediately... someone who understands when I say something nerdy about Harry Potter because he also remembers the EXACT line in the book that I am referring to. Someone with whom I can agree with on almost everything, and vice versa. Someone who understands my being extremely uncomfortable with almost anything that has to do with teeth, because writing on skin, popsicle sticks and stickers make him cringe... someone who I can argue stupid subjects with, someone to play card and board games with (even though he always wins, it's okay). Someone else who things grammar jokes are so funny. ([link]). Someone who is a male version of myself. Someone who makes me thank God that he came into my life.

And it's hard to believe we've never been more than friends.

It's even harder to believe that we never will.

Hope is too dangerous though. I've been burned by that before, I'm not going down that road again. It's a hard thing to fight.